Simplicity

As we were driving home this evening, my children were in the backseat- Ellie wanted to play "house" with her baby doll and (God bless him) Ethan was indulging her.  To hear them exchange banter back and forth of what "mom" says and "dad" says, I couldn't help but notice how simple and straightforward they were in their roles. 

Later, when we had all eaten dinner, Ella asked me to color with her at the table.  As I sat there agonizing over which shade of blue to pick for the princess's castle, it occured to me: she (Ellie) was perfectly content.  The most important decision she had in mind was what color to make the bows on the princess's dress.  She didn't worry over coloring within the lines, or making things match... she was creating, and was happy in the moment.

Ethan asked me after they'd bathed to come check out the website he was currently enthralled in- it gave you a fantasy warrior name, and was the single coolest thing on the planet at the time.   Both of my children were enveloped in simple pleasures, and had no thoughts of the coming day or the demands it would surely bring with it.  And for a moment I paused, thankful that they were able to be kids.

On my way today to do the endless tasks that accompany every evening, I was talking with a friend of mine and she said, "you know, worry isn't going to solve anything".  I nodded and smiled in agreement, but until I saw my children enjoying the moment it didn't really dawn on me- that this is the moment we're given.  Admittedly, I am the woman who lies sleepless some nights (most, really) going over the details, the possibilities, and the risks.  But when Ellie asked me tonight, "Mommy, I've been wishing and praying and nothing happens... Why?"  it occured to me.  Even as I was saying the words, I knew (yes, I need the lightbulb moment) that I needed to hear the answer, too: "Honey, God always answers prayers- sometimes it's yes, and sometimes it's no." 

If you are like me, you sometimes envy your children's simple, achingly beautiful view of the world.  The answer, for me at least, is in the little things- that you're given this moment- you're exactly where you're supposed to be, and that these small blessings that make you happy RIGHT NOW are what you're given.  So whether it's coloring or picking out your warrior name, or just looking up at the stars on a quiet evening, be present and thankful in the moment. 

Days, Weeks, Years

Bob Dylan sang that time passes slowly.  It occured to me today that time, for me, has flown by with such fierceness and blinding speed that the very thought made me pause for a moment. 

As many of you know, in less than two months I will be going home.  Not for the weekend, but for good.  My home is for sale, and I am leaving a successful career to return to my roots and my family.  Anxiety about the details sometimes begins to creep around the edges of my controlled demeanor, but I have total faith that He will provide (He always has).  And in starting another chapter in my life I contradict, happily, the kid who left years ago and said "this is not where I want to live my life". 

Taking stock of my time here has led me to see more clearly how weeks and months turn so astoundingly into years. I distinctly remember the first time I came to Northwest Arkansas searching out anyone and everyone who would accept my resume, and the thrill of finding what would be my children's home for the next decade. We painstakingly made it our own- not just the house, but this new place we had ventured into.  I remember finding my first real sales job, and am thankful that I had the opportunity to work for such amazing people who taught me that service and ethics are the ultimate selling tools.  Four years ago I became a fixture at Legacy, and while not all days were perfect (some of them were downright hard), I can honestly say with no hesitation that I have loved it thoroughly and passionately. 

My son, who was a vivacious toddler when he was first introduced to this beautiful area, has grown into a young man.  His intellect and creativity constantly leave me in wonder, and his heart is pure gold... with a little dirt thrown in for good measure. Ellie was born here, we brought her home from St. Mary's to the Winnie the Pooh nursery we had labored over for months.  Now she has more personality that I've ever dreamed of having, and with each passing day she becomes more independent- and beautiful.

I am looking forward to the adventure of going home.  There is comfort in the familiarity of the place I grew up, and happiness in being so near to my family.  Nostalgia caught me by surprise today, though, and I can say it's been a better ride these last 10 years than I have deserved. 

it's been awhile

I wish I'd updated this more often, but life sure does seem to get in the way sometimes.  Insomnia is providing the perfect opportunity to play catch up, though.

Something about autumn makes me want to go home... not necessarily the physical location, but just the feeling of being home.  Miranda Lambert says it well- "you leave home, you move on and you do the best you can/I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am".  I'm the mother of two great (if ornery) kids, a banker with a successful career, a community volunteer, a sister and daughter, and a friend.  But that's not who I am. 

I'm memories of fireflies in the backyard at night as a kid, busting my front teeth on the swingset in the backyard (yeah Mom, you told me so), and walking up the gravel driveway after riding the bus home.  I'm sweet tea and biscuits and gravy, Sunday night dinners at Grandma and Grampa's, playing barefoot in the grass.  I'm that patterned yellow vinyl in the kitchen, an aluminum screen door in the back, that big sycamore tree I always had to mow around, and helping Mama gather veggies from her garden. 

The truth of it is, I'm a story- just like everyone else.  Granted, mine's a little more colorful at times than most, but those things are the beginning and still flavor my days now.  I can hear my mother talking out of my mouth at times, like I swore I never would.  When I drive past a hay field I smile.  I don't think it's so much that I've forgotten who I am, it's that that girl seems like a lot farther away than a couple of decades and a two hour drive west. 

But looking at Ethan and Ella, I know who I am.  And I'm pretty happy about it. 

In the small, quiet hours

I have been sitting out on the (small) back deck for a while now, and 7 am just rolled around.  Piping hot black coffee and the sounds of the woods waking up to keep me company.  These last few days have been uneasy for me, to be honest. 

Just as an object in motion tends to stay in motion, an object at rest tends to stay at rest (that's the whole of my physics knowledge, by the way).  Some parts of my life have been in a proverbial "rest" state- unmoving, static- and I've pushed them into motion.  It's uncomfortable, difficult, and necessary. 

Why? I've found that I know myself better than I did in my younger days, and in knowing myself I've become more honest. That is, in the sense of realizing who I am, what I need, and where I'm going.  The past has proven that attempting to adapt to someone else is not my forte; and while I fully realize that compromise is necessary, I also have a strong sense of who I am and... I like myself.  Yes, I'm high maintenance.  Bossy.  Loud.  Boisterous.  A little crazy.  But complex and as Martha would say, "it's a good thing."

It's hard for me these last few days to find words, and I struggle with that even now.  Chalk it up to growing pains and have another cup of coffee. 

My help is in the Lord.

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. Psalms 28:6-7




I am infalliably human.  Not just in my physical ailments, but in my weakness of heart.  The last two days have been a trial for me, and I looked to many things for comfort: advice from friends, food, the solace of my bed, music... But to no avail.  Not until I prayed did my heaviness lift and love return.  Did the Lord provide an easy answer?  Nope.  But did he bring clarity and honesty to the situation at hand?  Most definitely.  After fretting it all out, when it's all said and done one of the reasons I (we) got to where we are is because we weren't looking to God for daily strength, guidance, and sustaining grace. 

Lord, let my prayer be this: help me to keep my sights on you, that I may serve and love you in greater ways everyday.  In this I know I will find peace, strength, and joy.  Amen.

Perspective

I am nearsighted, in more ways than one.  For those of you that have seen my librarian glasses, you know how thick my lenses are- and these are the ultra thin polycarbonate lenses.  I'm blind as a bat without either my contacts or glasses.  I see colors, but literally can't see lines on the road or even large print. I run into stuff, make horrible coffee, and apply makeup like a cast member of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Nearsightedness also afflicts my spirit.  I suppose you could say it's because of my flawed human nature, but it's really just the sin of being about "Me".  I focus on all of the problems I'm facing, concentrate on what's not going right, dwell on what I wish were different/better.  The truth of the matter is, I'm just not able to see past myself without help- a lot like not being able to visually see without glasses or contacts.  My perspective goggles is God's Word. 

The Lord is really good at clearing things up so I can see the reality of a situation.  There is unbeliveable heartache and suffering in our world, so much so that I am unable to comprehend it.  And when I see others who need prayer, comfort, and love it's like Jesus is saying "Camera one or Camera two??"  Yeah, I get it- I'm blessed.  Really, really blessed. 

Reading Scripture never fails to sharpen the lines of what's going on in my life.  Yesterday I was thinking about David and Goliath- yes, the first story I taught my kiddos.  But for the first time (REALLY) it occured to me that the stone is faith.  It's not about the obstacles you're facing, and it's not about the resources you have to cope with what's coming at you.  God will equip you in faith, just perservere and know that it's all about what perspective you have when you face the giant- it may be big, but HE IS BIGGER. 

Thanks for helping me see, Lord. 

11:29 pm

WHY am I still awake?? It could be the peach tea I had for dinner three hours ago, or it could be the 37,842 thoughts that are all competing for space in my head as of this minute (see image above).  I'm tired.  My poor little pooping in the house dog is tired.  But I'm wide awake at the ol' kitchen table with two laptops, some hot pink nail polish, and last Sunday's paper spread out before me. 

I know my thoughts are random; I have the ability to put them into concise literary form and convey them should I be so inclined.  I just don't have the inclination to do so.  What I want is to expel the unsaid things I'm too polite or PC to say, for example:


"Seriously?  Make your punk teenagers pick up their crap from the 4th because now everyone in the cul-de-sac looks like white trash."

"I'm sorry you don't approve of my choices. I don't really give a damn, but thanks for your opinion all the same."

"Please be advised: if you park this close to my new car again you will arrive back at your vehicle to find a minimum of two flat tires on your own transportation, along with a statement on your windshield in Clinique lipstick (shade: Amberglass- a classic)."

"Yes, that second helping of homemade chocolate ice cream was piggish and uncalled for.  But they're my (rapidly expanding) thighs/hips/glutes and I choose to appease my raging hormones with this versus a tequila shot at 3 in the afternoon or simply punching the next person I see in the face.  Go away, and have a nice day."

Ok, all of these are making me out to be quite the hag.  Which I will willingly admit is one of the endearing qualities about my personality so many people are fond of... but really?  We are all adults and to be perfectly frank, there are just some situations where you're damned either way- someone will get their feelings hurt, someone will feel slighted, someone will inevitably find some ridiculously petty way to avenge their wounded pride.  I have chosen to just throw it all out there without being directly being mean to anyone, in hopes that I get 5 1/2 hours of decent sleep. 

I am thankful for the filter God so mercifully puts on this huge mouth of mine- without it these thoughts would have been blurted out instead of brewed on in my head.  A harsh word stirs up anger, but a witty post about wanting to verbally assault another seems ok (it's benign).  Thanks for listening, now get to bed- no respectable person is up at this hour. 

Aging (American and Canadian English) is the accumulation of changes in an organism or object over time.

After going to the gym (just to prevent expansion of my curves, let alone shrink them), eating salad and fruit for dinner, then touching up my not-quite-brunette roots, I jumped in the shower and began to think.  Yeah, really. 

Now I'm not the biggest exercise fan, as most of you already know.  But a compelling mixture of embarrasment and hope motivated me to climb onto the elliptical and set it to "Damn Near Mountain Climbing", then determinedly take off at a pretty fast clip.  Thirty minutes later, my frustrations were eased and my legs were wobbly, but I felt pretty good about it.  So, why not heap on the burning coals??  I headed over and did a hundred- yes, 100- sets on the Ab machine, then some time on the chest press and vertical traction.  All of which, by my estimation, helped offset about 1/3 of my freaking lunch.  All of a sudden I wasn't quite as stoked about my accomplishments. 

Ethan and I drove over to look at a house, then we came home to eat dinner and play a card game.  I put him to bed, colored my roots (really?  grey hairs??), and pondered my evening.  Here's what I've come up with...

I've always heard that to figure out where you're going, you have to know where you've been.  It's hard to admit that at 30 I have grey hair, a "voluptuous" figure, 2 kids who are smarter than I am, more ex's than I'll put in writing here, and my freckles are beginning to grow together.  But you know, I don't even recognize that kid I was 10 years ago.  Even looking back six months, I can honestly say that I wouldn't have poured my frustrations and worries out onto gym equipment but into a large wine glass- or three...  Or more. 

I don't know what house I'll be living in next year, if I'll be doing the same job, or if I'll be single still.  What I do know is that where I'm going is gonna be good.  My children will be flourishing, my faith will be deep and abiding, and I'll have all of the lessons I've learned these last 10+ years. I'm stronger, and I know who I am- not a bad compass for what lies ahead.

Don't pray for patience.

Explosion: Definition- An explosion is a rapid increase in volume and release of energy in an extreme manner.

Holy cannoli- what a day.  I woke up this morning and I was on a roll!  Left the house a little early, khakis ironed, hair lookin' good, washed the car, had walked the dog... I was on my "A" game, ladies and gents.  Little did I know as I went careening down I-540 what NONSENSE awaited me.  Now, by lunch I had been to a Chamber networking event and had a very successful meeting with a potential vendor, and was back at the house watering the flowers and having a healthy lunch.  After stopping to see a client, I wheeled into the bank parking lot, and THAT is when things took a turn for the worse.  Good news: the packages I was waiting on to come FedEx overnight were in.  Bad news: There were four of them, not two.  Ok, no problem!  I found what I thought were the "correct" ones and took up residence behind the teller line (which, by the way, is not my natural environment) to start working on my project.  This particular project, my friends, has been clinging to life and dragging on since- oh yes- Monday.  Let the Nonsense begin.

My persona at the office is largely what it is at home, just a little more (Ok, a lot) polished.  I'm generally happy and cheerful, and try to be helpful to others.  After the umpteenth phone call this week trying to accomplish this task and- Lord help her- the completely inept and sour person I ended up with on the phone this afternoon, I did what I rarely do... I lost it.  Not griped a little.  Not got a little "testy".  Nope, I full on LOST it.  Everyone on the first floor of the bank heard me giving this girl seven kinds of Hell, from how completely unacceptable her "solution" was and how incompetent her organization is to demanding in a slightly less-than-friendly way to speak to her manager or someone, anyone, who could get something accomplished.  Uh, yeah... I was pretty mean.  Anytime you draw a crowd with your volume and condescending remarks it's probably not a good sign.

Ok, time out.  Was it ridiculous that this simple task had escalated to crisis level?  Yes.  Do I normally try (very hard) to treat people the way I want to be treated?  Yep.  Did I absolutely go bananas on this chick?  Affirmative, roger that. 

In hindsight, I feel bad (more embarrased than sympathetic) that I lost my temper.  I regret having more than likely ruined her day (week??) and the day of everyone else who works with her.  Our retail staff kind of giggled (albeit nervously) when I apologized to them and I now have the reputation for being "kind of mean" when need be.  In looking back I was trying to pin point exactly where I reached boiling point and how I could have made a different, less hag-like choice... In my entire professional career I haven't berated someone like that, and I'm thinking part of my mistake was praying for patience.  God loves me, teaches me, and sometimes has to flat-out knock me in the head to get my attention.  Jesus knows I make my fair share of mistakes, and probably more truth be told.  Did they (the people I was dealing with) screw it up? OH yeah.  Does that give me the right to treat them with any less respect?  Nope. 

Forgive me, Father, as I (learn to) forgive others.  And keep me from having another "rapid increase in volume and release of energy in an extreme manner" anytime soon.

Wise Counsel

  Thank God for wise counsel- especially His.  Today has already been a rough day, and it's only 10:30 am!  I've been presented with one "challenge" after another, and will admit that I've not handled this day very gracefully thus far. 
  I sent an email to my best friend this morning detailing all of my gripes and complaints, and instead of commiserating with me (what I was looking for) she offered wise counsel.  What a blessing that someone has perspective, wisdom, and courage to be plain-spoken.  And thank goodness the Lord put these people in directly in my path on days like today!  I then turned to my daily devotional and was given further reassurance through the Word, which reminded me that my prayer should be to walk so closely with Jesus that other people see him reflected in me.  Basically walk the walk, don't just talk the talk.
So here's the lesson learned, friends:

• When you find yourself frustrated, crabby, and generally poisonous to be around, don't just spread your discontent- do something to change your situation.
• Sometimes you just need to take a step back.  Perspective is everything. (See picture.)
• And when you feel like you can't change what's going on and your perspective still stuck in "poor me" gear, go to God.  He's got it under control, you don't need to worry about it any longer.  You're blessed, be thankful. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5-6

You know, I think it might just be a good day after all. m

In the beginning...

1. E & E on the White River  2. Ella in the stocks!  3. Eth in patrol gear 4. Haircuts! 5. Just being silly

A new endeavor for our family- a blog!  After seeing the great family sites of a few friends, I decided to try one of my own.  My hope is that this blog will serve to keep all of our friends & family up to date on all of the fun, quirky, and everyday things going on here.  Please feel free to make suggestions or comments to help me improve.  Thanks for stopping by!